Growing Up Fat
I'm not fat. There's just more of me to see.
“If you don’t know you’re fat or not, you are.”
I grew up believing this. I didn’t know what being fat meant in second grade. I was oblivious to it, as clueless as I am to artificial intelligence. I don’t think I should have been in that oblivion, and this is an account of that.
“Fat? It means big (he uses his hands to depict this). I have only one fat kid in my class.” - Naksh, my nine-year-old nephew, when I asked him what fat meant to him.
If you ask me (26 years old), I’ll say that fat means being chubby, healthy, and well-rounded. These are the adjectives that come to my mind. As you can see, my mind is media-trained with a certain hint of woke-ism. But this part is basic; anyone can say this. So, I tried to recollect what being fat meant to me as a fat kid.
Fat meant that you could make fun of someone for being fat. It was acceptable. The person commenting knew it would hurt you. Physical remarks hurt more, and it’s easy to prove to everyone. As a UX designer would put it - it’s low friction. Everyone gets it. They can notice it - it’s not contextual like your nature. You want to retaliate, but you don’t. You believe a part of what they’re saying is true.
Being fat comes with great responsibility. You are the de facto goalkeeper because you can’t run fast. If there’s any work to do, you should be the one doing it, so in that way, you will get some movement and lose that fat - the logic is solid here. You become immune to the remarks after a point. Your body fat percentage becomes your identity and, in many cases, your name. One other extraordinary thing happens: you are renamed. It’s a must. If you were fat, you had to have a name that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with an animal or a Pokemon. Snorlax if you were a guy and Jiggilipuff if you were a girl. Do you see how unifying fatness is? It runs across gender and also fictional characters. Take that world peace.
The Healthy Kid Prophecy
I was a “healthy kid” at birth. That’s what my parents tell me. And my grandmother took it on her pride to ensure I remained healthy for the foreseeable future. Health is considered a sign of wealth and abundance at home. Everyone wants healthy kids. There’s an age limit, though. After that, you’re supposed to lose that weight. Almost instantaneously, as it’s not what people desire.
Growing up and gaining weight went hand in hand for me. And I made use of those hands. I loved eating. My mom’s a great cook, and my grandmother an even better one (sorry, Mom). I had unlimited access to South Indian delicacies and utilized them to the fullest. Naturally, my waistline did as well.
As I wrote the above line. I paused. I felt weird. Talking about my waistline as a kid felt weird, while talking about it as an adult feels completely normal.
The concept of losing weight didn’t even cross my mind. It did once when I got up at 6 AM to watch Cartoon Network, and they had these QVC ads running. A man and a woman selling an ab exercise machine. This was the only time I felt it wouldn’t hurt to have abs. But then the Looney Tunes show came on, and I didn’t care much about the couple.
No one around me ever spoke of losing weight, as well. It was just never discussed. Sex education was discussed before any discussion on weight. Almost everyone will call you fat, but no one sits you down and tells you how to lose that fat.
Honestly, even if I knew everything about weight loss, it wouldn’t change a thing. It’s not the knowledge that was the issue. It was that I didn’t even look at it as an issue. Being fat becomes your identity. I never thought I could be un-fat. That possibility didn’t even cross my mind.
But it does cross other people’s minds. People around you get more descriptive about your body as you go up in classes. The remarks get sneakier. There’s another advantage: your vocabulary improves. You learn all the possible synonyms for the word fat - thesaurus better watch out.
Along with learning about the standing line and the slant line in class, you learn about the 3rd type of line - the body line.
You get more conscious around the non-fat people. Try to tuck your stomach in. I did this so much that keeping my stomach in became natural. By age 12-13, you are well aware of your body type. You are well aware of other people’s body types. Now, this body type also dictates your personality to a large degree. I felt there was this unsaid rule that you can’t be confident if you are fat. Like you weren’t the firstborn son, you can’t take over the kingdom. You try to do various things, wear loose clothes, try to suck your cheeks in, stomach in. All these things, just like the QVC ab machine, don’t work. You think they do because you put in the effort, but they don’t.
This is the part where you realize why family is important. Everyone else, to a large extent, will judge you based on your physical appearance and mental abilities. Your parents are the only people who just don’t care about it. They will accept you as you are and who you are.
The Opposite Sex
The times I felt the most anxious it was around the time I was of the opposite sex. I wanted to present my best version to them - you know why.
There’s an anxious feeling inside you that stems from your body image.
As I entered my later teenage years, I lost that weight naturally, without doing anything intentionally. I wasn’t fat anymore. But you know what, it hardly fixed the other problems. It gave rise to another problem: How will I be perceived now? I didn’t have the layer of fat to hide behind.
It made me realize that we are obsessed with only one thing - finding our next worry.
As soon as the problem at hand, which seemed so significant at once, is resolved, we try to replace it with another to keep ourselves occupied. The worry makes us feel like we care. We care to make a change from our current lifestyle.
I’ve seen countless weightless journeys around me, which took much more effort than mine. I also saw an attitude change at the end of it. People speaking about their past selves in a derogatory manner, like how you talk about your ex just after you break up—the bitter kind. This bitterness sets you up for failure.
When you lose weight, your body image changes, you become confident, and people compliment you. It’s la-la land. This makes you introspect, for the times you didn’t have these qualities, you look back and think - my past self sucked so much, it didn’t have all of this. My current self is so good. And then you go on this loop of constantly hating your past self, looking down on it. And that’s a dangerous treadmill to run on.
We find solace in negative emotions. The negative emotions are easier and more convenient to use. The positive you need to fight for. If we look down at our 80 kgs self at 70 kgs, will we look down at our 70 kgs self at 60 kgs?
You existed at 80 kgs, yes, it wasn’t optimal, but that doesn’t mean it was complete trash. When we put up a transformation picture, we crave the validation for the delta: look how bad I looked before; look how great I look now. The higher the delta, the higher the validation. And let’s say, for some reason, you gain the weight back again. Then what? And that’s precisely what happened to me.
With Great Body Weight Comes Great Responsibility
As an adult, when I look at being fat, there’s only one fundamental difference - I am entirely responsible for it.
You start with wearing loose t-shirts (again), shirt buttons become tight around your belly, you can effectively stop wearing a belt because your gut will do that job for you, and friends will start touching your stomach as a passing joke. It’s as if you are the Laughing Buddha, and rubbing your belly brings luck. I should have rubbed my belly more—missed opportunity.
The caveat now is this: I know what causes you to be fat. I know what causes you not to be fat. I can’t be okay with it. I shouldn’t be OK with this. But I was. I justified it by saying I am working on my startup.
I remember gorging on food. I didn’t know there was a reason to stop. Yes, my stomach was full, but I continued eating while I continued to be fed. Humans love to feed others. It’s taken as a sign of respect if you eat more at a dinner than less. You will likely gel with the hosts by asking for more refills.
Got it, so consuming more makes you more socially acceptable. But then the same society labels you as unattractive after a certain point. What’s this dichotomy about?
Oh, okay now I get it. Make me feel appreciated, and don’t consume so much that you will be considered unattractive. You find the balance.
So how did I, who had myself gone through the experience, fall back into this cycle? I know the answer. I repeated my habits. I remember being stressed due to work once, so I ate an entire plate of French fries even after I was full. Dipping it in as much sauce as possible, I remember the flash of guilt that hit me as I had the last fry. I remember it so well, even today.
Consuming more food or anything than you need is an escape: more social media, validation, and unproductive relationships. We are running away from something, and food gives us solace. It fills us up. And CNN agrees.
And you know what, eating good food is an experience. I get it. It’s so good.
The dopamine rush from food is exhilarating —the salivating kind. But you also know when you are full, but you continue eating beyond it. It’s like you are drugged.
It comes down to this:
Addiction is not the problem. It’s the solution. The problem is the void that you are filling.
This is more true regarding food because you are literally filling yourself up.
The Change Is Not Around The Corner
Well, maybe because when you are fat, there are no corners?
People don’t think they can change, that they can get better. This is something I also struggled with. I just assumed I’d be like this for the rest of my life. This is my identity. It was the lack of awareness at that age.
Growing up, you are better off being skinny than being fat. It’s considered more manageable for a thin person to gain weight later to attain equilibrium than for an overweight person to lose weight. Society also, at some level, gives up on you. You aren’t in the aesthetic standard fit.
I remember other kids around me being picked as well. I remember the innocence. I remember the helplessness on their face. I related to that. You feel for no goddamn reason. I am stuck in this body. What have I done to deserve this body? Why can’t I have a body like the football team captain?
And that, in many cases, leads to more eating. To fill the void. While in 6th grade, my cousin had to stop traveling in the school bus because of the teasing. You see, it’s easy to make fun of fat people. Even kids can do it. It can take years for someone actually to get rid of that feeling. Even if you burn off the fat, the feeling still lingers—the sense of not deserving enough to be there.
You start avoiding certain people. You begin avoiding specific lanes. It’s just easier that way. It’s way less stressful than being mocked. Someone has an upper hand over you just based on how they look.
Santa - for the longest time, he was the only fat person I saw who was loved universally. And he was available only one day of the year. Maybe that’s why people loved him. Because it was just a day - anything more than that and he would be unbearable. And that’s how you can be expected to be treated.
It’s Not All Bad
You get your cheeks pulled by girls slightly older than you and some uncles (I didn’t like this part). You learn who you are. Friends are quick - the ones who don’t make fun of you. Your parents and relatives love you, cause you to eat what they serve, and they feel validated.
Being fat is just one thing. You can be picked on anything that isn’t the conventional beauty standard—being short, being dark-skinned, having crooked teeth.
Our minds are trained on beauty standards better than ChatGPT.
You see fat people playing all the insignificant characters in the media. The slimmer ones take the respected roles. People like fat babies but not fat adults.
A lot of people would take the option of looking fit while being fat v/s looking fat and being fit. Everything we do as social animals is wired to others liking what we do. The question is: How much of your fat loss journey is motivated by your view of your body and not by society?
“If it offends you so much because you believe it as well that a part of it is true, otherwise you won’t care.”
It’s like calling a man with a head full of hair. He won’t care. But if he’s slightly started balding, it will infuriate him.
If so many people say something, it doesn’t mean they are entirely wrong. Yes, maybe a part of it. It’ll be healthier to lose weight, but the people who make fun of you don’t care about it. The real people will. The real people will notice the small efforts that you are making; they’ll push you forward.
The goal is to be healthy, take maximum advantage of your body, and not be skewed by external remarks.
A new diet for weight loss is popping up every day - the keto, the paleo, the carnivore. Diets that produce significant results. But for a fat person, it’s all in the future. Right now, they’re feeling low, feeling not needed. The positive thing is to raise their curiosity about being healthy.
We don’t do that because it’s complicated. I have not done this more than 2-3 times. It’s weird. They might feel even lower. But if you’ve lost weight and something has worked for you, try sharing it with your circle. Your parents, if need be, people are way more reciprocative if they see that your interest is genuine.
The only time I didn’t think about being fat was the time I was eating. All the filters went off then, but maybe that was the only time the filters should have been on.